Tarot Alkhemy

Welcome to the world of YOU, home to the Spirit of YOU. Can I take your order?

What a foreign concept (to some). To recognize yourself as the center of your own universe where you get the chance to ask yourself what it is you truly want. To embark along the journey of being awakened to your purpose and walk in it daily.

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I lived my entire life doing the ‘right’ thing so I could make everyone proud. Everyone always talked to my mom about me and all these great things I would accomplish. 

I got good grades in school so I could get that bumper sticker for my mom’s car so everyone knew how smart I was. I played every sport I could so I could perform and somehow prove to myself I was doing something great. I joined the military and ranked up pretty fast so everyone would see this Black woman excelling and be proud.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed being smart and sought after. But there was nothing I did that felt like something I was BORN for. I always felt out of place.

When I had one of my first spiritual awakenings, I remember sitting in church and leaving with wayyyyyy more questions I felt guilty for even formulating in this consciousness of mine. 

Shortly after, cue the rapid unleashing of dreams that were so much more than random coincidences and recollections from the past.

Spirit, what the hell am I supposed to do now? I don’t even know who I am. I don’t trust anything anyone tells me. Everything feels like a lie. I feel like everything I grew up believing has turned into a pile of rubbish.  I feel raw. Exposed. Vulnerable. And angry as hell.

I thought I had everything figured out. Excelled in school. Joined the military right after and even though I worked my ass off, I felt I’d be there for many years to come. Surely, I had this ‘purpose’ thing figured out.

Then, life happened.

A devastating back injury, and surgery had me medically retired and back at square one. I had lost my career, AND I had to go back home. Little did I know, home was far more than the physical location I grew up in. My Spirit needed to return home, within me.

Me, being someone who essentially performed to be the ‘model Negro’ was by their design. From the churches, to public schools and colleges, and the wars we fought, the agenda is imprinted damn near everywhere. As ‘smart’ as I am, how did I not see this coming?

But then, I realized. I think of the way Black folks were stripped of their indigenous languages and spiritual practices, then force fed the oppressor’s beliefs and religion to now living in a country that systemically suppresses our ability to live life on our own accord. My very DNA carries the weight and chains of being groomed and conditioned to fit false narratives while taking every attempt to diminish our ability to think and dream for ourselves.

When I feel such deep empathy for my Ancestors, I had to also remember to extend that grace to me. The empathy I’ve always had for them now becomes empathy for me. Giving myself grace for knowing now what I didn’t know then. 

My former idea of what my purpose should be leans heavily into what I thought was expected of me, for the very reasons mentioned before. Not once did I ever think to ask myself, “Sierra, what the hell do YOU want?”

So if you’ve made it this far, ask yourself:

• Am I performing and doing what is expected of me? 
• Am I aware of my dreams and desires?
• Have I been performing, or am I walking in my purpose?

I say all that to say this. Everything I worked towards had to happen to get me here. Everything that happened, happened at the exact moment it was supposed to. Otherwise I’d still be tap dancing and doing right by everyone else who had their own expectations of what I was supposed to do with my life. 

From my awakening, to my career endings, and now as a full time Spiritualist, every experience has allowed me to build on better foundations. Even as a Spiritualist, I am cognizant of how I choose to show up in shared spaces. Making sure I am showing up as my authentic self and a vessel for Spirit, not performing.

Gratitude for Reading!