Tarot Alkhemy

Life is way too short to be everything to everyone else and nothing to yourself, black woman. For many generations, we have been the matriarch to so many families and communities. Taking care of everyone else’s children. Providing remedies and prayers to those in need. Now, that same energy has been encoded into us. Rest, black woman! Growing up, I knew so many people who worked their whole lives then transitioned within a year or two of them retiring because they never knew how to slow down. Have you ever told yourself: 

“I don’t know who I am outside of what I do for others”

“It’s too quiet, I should be doing something”

“I feel incomplete when I’m not a source for others”

…or any combination or conjugation of the three? You know exactly where I’m coming from. With that, it is also important to note that even though stillness is a place of rehabilitation and restoration, it can feel like your worst enemy if your nervous system doesn’t reflect that same energy. This takes time and intention, so be kind to yourself in those moments. We owe it to ourselves as black women to create space and time for joy, pleasure, and personal fulfillment. Explore parts of yourself and enjoy it without the need for an audience nor approval from others. Not for the money, simply because you love it.

For me, I seen it firsthand in my mother. I observed her throughout my whole life being everything to everyone else but I don’t ever recall seeing her take time for herself. It was always about taking care of her children, then working as a nurse caring for others. I remember asking her, “what do you like to do for fun?” and she would always say, “taking care of others is what makes me happy. When my children are good, I’m good.” So at my young age, I understood that as, “I can be happy when I can do for other people. When people like/appreciate what I do for them, I am happy.” I ran with it. 

The damage in that belief system is that it trains you to believe your happiness is tied to how people receive what you do for them. If I work really hard and prove myself to be a valuable asset, people will like me more and that will make me happy. See the errors in that?

When all your waking hours are surrounded by making sure everyone else’s needs are met, we have a hard time understanding who we are outside of that. How many of us took care of other siblings, then immediately joined the work force and no where in that equation were you able to explore YOU. Were you ever given permission to do that? Or did it feel like a waste of time to you because of how many other things you could be doing? 

But then I think back to how I manifested peace and security in my life and now it’s here. I remember the first week moving into my place asking my ancestors, “ok, what do I do next?” not even taking the time to actually sit and embody my new era of stillness, and seeing that THIS is exactly what they wanted for me all along. Stillness felt like unfamiliar territory that I couldn’t comprehend. In a world where everything moves so fast, can it really be still and be safe?

Stillness can feel like a punishment to those who have been on go for as long as they can remember. Trust me, I know. After leaving the military and eventually moving into my own place again, it felt quiet. It was daunting. To be in a position where I don’t have to be anything to anyone was like shell shock. My phone wasn’t ringing at all hours of the day and night, no one needed me anymore like they did for the last 16 years of my life in college and the military. Initially, it felt like bliss. Eventually, it felt like punishment because of how quiet it became. 

It can take time to see the productivity in stillness. When you can quiet the noise of everyone else’s needs and tune into your own, you discover how dope you really are and the things you’re into. I can’t tell you how many times someone asks me what I like to do for fun and I had no answer because I never created the space and time to explore what that looks like for me. If you’re reading this and wondering how you can create stillness in your life, here’s some things that helped me:

1. Meditation – 5 minutes of stillness in the rising can set the tone for the day. Sit in silence. When you first begin or you haven’t done it in a while, it can be quite noisy. It’s ok. Consistency is important.
2. Walking – going for a walk outside is so grounding for me. I try not to listen to music when walking on a trail or quiet area so I can observe the sounds of nature. The birds chirping. The river flowing. You get it.
3. Water – Drink more water! Even better to speak your intentions into it before you drink it. Water is our eldest ancestor and a great source to work with. The slowness in taking the time to set your intentions with it matters also. 

Ultimately, I hope this post encourages you to take the time to sit in stillness. Grant yourself permission to feel safe and secure in your still moments. You got this.